Mid-Week Update

Well this morning Tyler woke up feeling awesome. Julie woke up feeling terrible. I guess It's better to have them get it over with now, then be sick this weekend. I'm hoping the baby skips this one, like she did the last round of colds that circulated this house.

I got one of my classes done for the week today. Now all I have left is reading, one more conference and a 5-10 page position paper. Tomorrow the plan is do to a rough draft of my paper, get my reading done, and participate in the conference. Friday I'll probably polish up the paper and submit it. I'd like to be able to enjoy my weekend with my family without the stress of homework deadlines.

Papers are the worst for me. I have the hardest time actually starting the paper. I can't worry about that tonight though, since I can't start it till I finish my reading for that class. Thankfully I got the class that is my least favorite out of the way first. I actually don't mind either of my classes this term very much. The second session of classes for me start March 3rd. So I'll be a little busy with 4 classes for a little bit, but then once these classes are over I'm done for the year.

I always look forward to my summer break. Time with the kids to do fun things with them, and to enjoy them and watch them grow. Hopefully I'll be getting my new Mac in April or so, but knowing my school it will be closer to May.

My wonderful man is bringing home supper, so I have to go start the sides.
I hope you all had a great hump day! ;)

Sickness/Busy

I picked up the kids yesterday from their Grammie Waite. Tyler wasn't acting like himself on the way home. He said he was just tired. This morning after they watched a movie I made them oatmeal. Before Tyler sat down to eat he was telling me there was something wrong with his poop. Let me tell you, that's not ever something you want to hear from a 10 year old boy. I took the bait and asked what was wrong with his poop, he said it was all runny. My first thought was GREAT, the boys got a bug. Not even 5 minutes later he's in the bathroom throwing up. He got his first experience with dry heaving, since he hadn't even touched his breakfast yet. I go in and give him some water, and ask if there is anything else I can do for him.  He said no, not right now. So he comes back out and starts eating his breakfast. I knew it was only going to end in disaster, but he was starving.  Jon and I went to take a shower, and Julie comes up to tell us Tyler threw up on the table. Gah, I hate when the kids are sick. I'm hopeful since Julie was sick only a little bit ago, that she won't get this nasty bug. I didn't get sick, when even my husband did. So I'm hoping the baby and I can avoid this bug as well.

This week is a busy one for us. The car is in the shop getting one of the air bags for the air suspension changed. It would be nice if this would fix the suspension. It's also getting a headlight fixed and an inspection. I have a couple of school projects to do before we leave for my Mom's Friday morning. I can't wait to see my family. I miss them soooo much. I can't wait to see my niece Trinity. I can't believe she's two months old already. Kids grow up too fast.

So today will be a day of taking care of my poor sick boy. Trying to get some laundry done, and later doing some school.

Ages, Stages, Experience and Love

No two people are exactly the same. Everyones road/walk of life is different. We've all seen and had different experiences. The way we react emotionally to these experiences, molds and shapes who we are. This starts in infancy, how our parents reacted when we cried. How we played shaped our development. How we are snuggled and loved taught us about emotions.  This development continues all the way up until age 25, according to research that is when the human brain is done developing. Time passes by so quickly, and rarely at the time we experience something do we treasure that time. It's only after it's past do we look back on it in remorse for it having passed so quickly.

I love my children. I miss when the older two were younger. I would have changed how I did some things with them, having more experience and knowledge now.  I don't think I have done a bad job with them up until this point. In fact they are two of the most loving and compassionate kids that I know. As they grow and enter and exit different stages of their growth, I learn more. I learn how to help them be confident, independent and socially sound individuals. Tyler right now is 10. He's in the last few years of young childhood. He's finding out who he is, what he believes in and is seriously thinking about what he wants to be when he grows up. So far, he's been consistent in wanting to join the Army. I told him that I would support him no matter what he decided, but that he should find out all the information on each branch of the military before making a final decision. He said "So Mom, you'd be proud of me if I were a Hobo?" I told him he's my son, and that NO MATTER WHAT I'd be proud of him. My daughter Julie is 8. She's struggling to find what she likes and wants. She wants to do everything like Tyler, but wants to be herself. This creates a conflict for her. She's very scattered, and sometimes struggles to stay focused. She loves non-fiction books and loves to draw. She's my hands on active learner. Kaylee is 6 months. She drools, puts things in her mouth to learn about texture and watches everything. My husband says she has a staring problem, because every time we go out she's always just watching people. We play, laugh and snuggle, but she is still completely reliant on Jon and I to provide all of her basic needs. That will change rapidly.

Each of my children has their own wonderful and unique personality. Their personalities and sometimes personal struggles keep this house busy, active and interesting. Like my Mom tells me, and like I'll tell my kids. The only one thing in my life I would never change is having my kids. They have helped me become who I am, and as they grow and change, so do I.

Through the smiles, tears, laughter and pain, I'll always love them, support them and make sure they know how very much I appreciate and respect them as individuals.

Luck, Love & *SNORE*

Going to bed at nearly 2am last night is catching up with me. So much so, that I've resorted to a cup of coffee at 4:30pm. Now, let's hope this deliciously warm cup of joe, doesn't stop me from sleeping tonight. At about 3pm today, I heard my bed calling me from upstairs. It taunted me with it's comfy pillows and blankets and refreshing rest it offered. Sadly I was strong willed, and resisted, now I'm paying for it.

Time to slow down and enjoy my husband is nice. With how hectic things normally are, I'm surprised he doesn't feel neglected. It's been very nice to reconnect and snuggle a little closer to the man I love. We don't get many opportunities to go out. I'm not sure we'd take advantage of them if we had them. We seem to do just fine staying in where it's warm with each others company, and a good movie. I suppose that's what real companionship is all about. The ability to be content in each others company, without kids around is crucial. I hear of couples not surviving after the kids leave the house. Why? Because there is nothing left to talk about, because when the kids were born you both focused all your energy on the kids and forgot about your relationship. This may sound dumb, but in the evenings on the weekend we do things together. We put the tech down, and either talk, watch a movie or just enjoy each other. I love my husband, he is a wonderful provider, an awesome Daddy, and the most supportive loving man I've ever met. That is why he's MINE!!!

In the beginning I kept expecting to wake up and find it was all a dream. The best thing is I haven't yet, and I'm beginning to believe and accept that I am the luckiest woman in the world. I expected change, because I was making a change. I didn't expect this, sometimes timing is everything. There is no way I would have known it would be this wonderful.

Kaylee started sleeping through the night 3 nights ago. Last night she went to bed at 6 and didn't get up till 6:30am this morning. I didn't mention it before, because I didn't want to jinx it. Now if only I were able to get in bed before 2am. Maybe then I would have as much energy and feel as rested as little miss Kaylee appears to be when she get's up in the morning.

Tomorrow I pick up the older two from their Grammie Waite in Randolph, and tomorrow begins another crazy week. Ready? Set. GO!!!

Update/Things to Come

It's quiet here right now. Jon is upstairs amusing the baby, and I just finished my school for tonight. Usually my house is all a hussle and bussle with kids chattering, and just being kids. Breaks are nice from time to time, but I miss my big kids. They left with Jon's Dad on Friday after Tyler's follow up appointment. Which by the way, Tyler is deemed healthy, no more ear infections. I won't see them again until Monday night. I am happy that their Grammie Waite is finally getting to take them overnight. I know she misses them, and get's frustrated that her schedule doesn't allow for her to take them more often.

This week is going to be a busy one. The older two kids are on February break, and I have two projects due. Then next week, I have two more classes that start. I filled out my FASFA today for my federal financial aid for next year, but still have exams to register for. I'm a little nervous about school next year. Since I'm not longer affiliated with the military my tuition rate changed. Each of my classes starting in the Fall will be nearly 1,500 per 3 credit class. Hopefully I'll get enough financial aid to continue going to school. We can't afford to pay for it out of pocket.

Also new this week? My laptop (an old Mac) can't be used without my bluetooth keyboard, and bluetooth mouse. Now, I bet you are wondering what I mean, well the touchpad and keyboard on my Mac don't work. At All. I like getting new tech don't get me wrong, but I would rather get new tech because I want new tech, not because I need it. Hopefully I'll get new tech in April or May, but in the meantime I have to do school at my desk. I might as well have a desktop. Do. Not. Want.

In upcoming events...
Friday the 25th we are going to head down and spend the night at my Mom's. I'm really excited about this, because I haven't seen her or my siblings since New Year's. The morning of the 26th we are headed to take the kids to the Great Escape Indoor Water Park for two nights. I can't wait for this, a break from home and a chance for the kids to let loose and have fun, doing what they love most, swimming.

My Son and I, moving and grooving!

Well we went again to my MIL's place to use the treadmill. I went first and did 20 minutes varying in speeds up to 4.0. Then Julie did it for 10 minutes or so before she had to leave for ballet. Then Tyler did it for 20 minutes, then it was my turn again. I did another 20 minutes varying in speeds up to 4.0. I told Tyler I wanted him to do at least another 15 minutes, he could do any speed he wanted. Well he made my 40 minutes look like I walked at turtle speed. He did 45 minutes!!! Did a bunch at an incline of 10 and did a little bit at 7.0. Seriously 7.0? I was shown up by a 10 year old, and he told me so too. "Mom, I worked harder then you!" He sure did, he made me look like a sissy, but it made him feel good, and he was proud. We had Pandora radio going the whole time. I can't even imagine how sore he's going to be tomorrow.

He's off to his Grandpa Moses's house tomorrow, but first he has a follow up doctors appointment for his ears, and a haircut. He says he tired of his hair in his eyes, and that with his glasses it's a pain. Now all I can hope for him for the weekend, is that he'll make healthy choices with what he eats, and he does more then just sit around. We start again on Tuesday with the treadmill, since he doesn't have school, we can go when he wants. He's saying he wants to go Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I'm not sure I can keep up with him. He might have a little extra weight on him, but he can run circles around me. I wonder if that has anything to do with age. He's also very excited that he might actually be in shape when soccer starts. Working out has helped his self confidence leaps and bounds, now to work on keeping him motivated.

Activities/Day Dreaming of Summer

Motivation is low today, but that isn't going to stop me from getting up and going. Today will be Tyler's second day using the treadmill, and my first. There is no better motivation for me to get moving, then to help motivate my son. They both wanted to go and use the treadmill yesterday as well, but it just wasn't going to work out with all that we had planned. Jon does his side work Mondays and Wednesdays, so we would have had to take Kaylee with us. That doesn't work out real well when it over laps when she's going to want solid food.  Also being it Tyler's first week, I told him 3 days in a row is over doing it a little. When beginning an exercise routine, it's always best to start out slow.

The big kids get picked up tomorrow to spend a couple of days with Jon's Dad. Then they will have an overnight with their Grammie Waite. I won't get the kiddos back till Monday night. I've mentioned to everyone about helping Tyler make healthy food choices, and we'll continue with the treadmill routine Tuesday and Thursday. Soon, Tyler starts soccer again and Julie will be in ballet until June. Then we might all start Tae Kwon do. Julie has been saying she wants to do it for awhile. It would give Tyler and I a way to stay active in the summer, but most of all it would be fun.

I'm anxious for Spring/Summer weather. Being all cooped up in the house, because it's too cold to go do anything, is no fun. This Summer is going to be a blast, camping with my family, trips to the lake and birthday parties. Warmer weather brings walks, jogs and time outside being active. Well now that I've spent 15 minutes day dreaming, I suppose I should go get stuff together to get moving.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!!

Opinions/Kids Emotions

I've realized everyone has their own opinions about everything. I've also learned that you can't make everyone happy. As a parent I have an obligation to my child no matter which one, to keep him/her happy and healthy. I also have an obligation to teach them right from wrong, and that for every action is a consequence. There is nothing more heartbreaking to a parent then to wonder if they are doing the right thing with their child. No truer statement has been said, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one.".

So I follow my heart, why do I still feel sometimes that what I feel needs justification. That I need to explain why I'm doing what I'm doing. I guess it's one of those demons of the past coming back again.

If I don't explain, I don't feel I need to, or I've already told you and you didn't listen. If you don't like it too bad. I can't make everyone happy, but at the same time I can't let everyones opinion run my life. My life is mine, not everyone else's. If they had listened when it mattered then maybe they wouldn't be in the situation they are in. Maybe it would be better, maybe it would be worse. It is what it is, and I'm happy!! I'm loved, and appreciated. The kids are happy, loved and appreciated in a stable home where they know what to expect. I've been as nice as I'm going to be. Which I think has been nice enough, considering the past. I gave you the truth, you didn't believe me. So that's it, I'm done dealing with your mouth.

Some people do everything they can to make everyone else around them feel like crap. With what they say, and how they act. The only one that matters to them, the only persons feelings that matter are their own. So the people around them are expected to bend to what they want, and tiptoe around them. These people really make me angry. They cause the people around them to feel inferior to them and that their feelings are not as important as their own. They do this through intimidation and creating an environment where others fear them.

As people we all have the right to feel what we feel. There is no one persons feelings that are more important then anyone else's. When my children hurt it is just as important as when I hurt. When they are angry it's just as important as when I'm angry. Children are people too. They need to feel like they matter, and that what they do makes a difference. They need to understand it's okay to feel sad, angry, happy, or upset. As parents it's our job to teach kids healthy ways to express and deal with emotions, and that repression is not an option. Fear hinders communication. That is all.

I'm so proud of my Son.

Today is a new day, which I'm thankful for. I didn't get anything done yesterday, things around here were just too busy. I'm trying to avoid getting sick so I laid down and dozed when Kaylee did during her last nap. Then the craziness began, I went to Hannafords to pick up my loves antibiotic, dropped Julie at ballet and took Tyler to Grammies so he could use her treadmill.

I'm so proud of my family, but yesterday I was especially proud of my son. He did 35 minutes on the treadmill. He pushed himself soooo hard. He even ran with it on 6 for a little bit. He stopped only twice for a breather and to potty and get a water. He didn't complain, and he did a great job of pushing himself. I'll take him again on Thursday, and this time I'll spend some time on the treadmill. We are doing this together, since I have a little pregnancy weight left to lose, and he needs the support.  Once he got home he ran down the driveway after getting the mail. For supper, he ate a tuna sandwich on wheat bread, triscuit thins, and a no sugar added mandarin orange cup. He's sticking to packing his lunch for school 3 days a week, and today is sit ups and push ups.

I'll be making homemade pizza tonight, because it's important he still be able to have foods he enjoys. I would rather him have pizza at home, then the greasy pizza at school.

Something really funny that happened he took triscuit thins for snack yesterday, and Tyler asked Jon if there were 16 crackers in there. Jon says why 16? Tyler says because that's the serving size. Jon said, I didn't count your crackers boy, when you get to 16 stop, and don't eat the rest.  Teaching Tyler about portion control and calories, and he's trying to stick to it.

I'm trying to come up with a healthy version of nachos. Probably do a ground turkey taco meat, with low fat shredded cheese, and see if I can find some healthier corn chips. Don't want him to feel deprived so he splurges at school, he's working so hard. I want to help him see results, yet still be able to eat some of the stuff he enjoys.

Tyler is surrounded by people that love and support him. His sister Julie is even getting into it, says she wants to be healthier too. Hopefully we can get him to a weight that is healthier for him, and that he's happier with. So far he's lost 5lbs!!!

Ramblings

Valentine's day here was like any other. Like I told Jon, we don't need a special day to say "I love you", we do it all the time.  I didn't get anything done around the house yesterday, but I did visit with my MIL. We discussed stuff, with and without kids. I also got to be on the phone with my Mom for a few hours, helping her do her taxes.

So this week so far I have gotten little accomplished. I have laundry to do, and school to start. I have an awesome family. I've been reminded over the last couple of days, why certain people are no longer in my life. It's sad when you've told them why, and yet they still don't get it. I have pity, yet rage, but I let it go, because there is nothing else that I can do.

Hopefully today, we file our taxes. I have to spend some time amending my MIL's because Ben and Jerry's sent her an amended W-2.  It's not a huge change and won't affect her refund, but the tax document changed, and it needs to be reported. Just the code in box 12 changed, not the amount, the IRS says so what, we need to know it changed. Fine, pain in my a**, so hopefully I'll get that done today along with a large list of other things I need to accomplish.

My Grandma is supposed to come home from the hospital today, by ambulance. Talk about a ride in style. My Mom drove back down there this morning. My Aunt continues to be there. I want to go down, but on such a stressful day for Gram, and really everyone involved I'd rather wait.

The kids are going with Jon's Dad this weekend. We'll scoot them down to Randolph Friday night, maybe Saturday we'll head with Kaylee to see my Gram. That's the plan as of right now. We'll have to see what happens.

Jon's still sick, and I have so far dodged getting it. I must have some super human immune system, both the big kids have had it, but Kaylee and I have skated. Now that I've said that in 24hrs or less you watch, I'll be sick.

Rage = Lack of sleep = more rage, I'm hoping last night to have broken this cycle. Sometimes you have to ignore and let go, because 1. If they didn't get it the first time you told them, they won't get it now. 2. At this point in time, it doesn't matter anymore. Explanations aren't needed and in my opinion they aren't deserved.

I hope everyone enjoys this bright and sunny Tuesday!

Doing the best I can.

I'm not a perfect parent, and I never claimed to be. I make mistakes just like everyone does. I love my kids. I encourage open, honest communication. I make sure they know, their feelings are just as important as mine and encourage them to express them.

I'm tired of being ridiculed for how I'm raising my children. One day can not be the judgement for the rest of the week, month or year. Just because they have a day where they go out and eat a couple of times, doesn't mean they eat junk food all the time. It doesn't mean they don't exercise. Both kids go outside for at least an hour of play every day, they don't sit on the couch all day in front of the TV killing their brains, drinking soda and eating chips. They eat fruits, veggies and yogurt. The unknown facts they were on the go all day today. Out having a good time, spending their gift certificates from Christmas, swimming hard for an hour, walking around the mall to get a new game for their DSi's.

My son is struggling with his weight and his self-esteem. My daughter could turn sideways and disappear. Their diets aren't drastically different. My son has to work a lot harder, and he's trying. I do everything humanly possible to support him, including exercising with him. Having him feel bad about everything he eats is the way children develop eating disorders.

Chaos vs. Silence

Life is hectic and chaotic most of the time. I don't complain, because I love my life and my family. I know I am thoroughly blessed. When things calm down, Jon and I look at each other and say "Now what?". We don't know what to do with the silence anymore. Before Kaylee arrived that wasn't the case, we could sit down and watch a movie without interruption. Now when we get to do that, we look at each other and say, "Wow, we just watched a movie." This may sound stupid, but those people with children, especially young ones understand what I'm saying.  

*Ugh* Mornings and Ramblings.

Last night was a classic case of Kaylee knowing when my head hit the pillow for the night. Up late taking to my Mom, finished a book and talked with my love. The good news is after she went back to sleep at almost 1am, she didn't get up again till 6:15am. Me being stubborn and not wanting to get up for the day yet, I fed her and put her back to bed. She actually went back to sleep till 8am. I was up at 7:45am when my darling daughter Julie (now I think this is because her brother didn't want to come and ask, he denies it of course) comes upstairs and wakes me up because her brother wants time on the Xbox.  Let me explain this a little, the timer on the Xbox is set up to give the kids 1hr per week. This is so we can regulate the amount of time they rot their little brains playing video games. We usually give them 1hr a day.  Let's just say I made it very clear that beyond today, if I was woke up for Xbox time not only would there be no time, there would be no Xbox all weekend. We also have internet restrictions since their laptops live in their rooms. They can't get online past 9pm and can't get on till 7am.

On a different note, in talking with my Mom last night I got to thinking about something. The reason we grieve so hard for family members when they pass, is they are so much a part of us. This is in experiences we've shared with the loved one, and in actual genetics. When someone creates you being a parent and a child myself, there is an unspoken bond that lasts forever. Unlike when you read of a car accident where someone you don't know dies, you think "Wow, that's awful.", but emotionally we go unchanged. When your Mom or Grandma is dying, there is nothing anyone can say for comfort. Your world feels like it's closing in on you, and ultimately the experience will change you in some way.

I default back to something I say regularly, "Time is the only thing we can't make more of". No one is given a certain amount, and no one knows how long we have. Live it up, love with no bounds, tell the ones you love that you love them, and tell them how you feel. Life is too short to let anger change how you feel about someone, because what you're angry about isn't so important that you've stopped loving them. Finally talk often, you may wake up and realize someone you really love is coming to the end of their time, and you regret not talking to them enough.

Life here continues, the baby is in her walker bouncing and making noise. Tyler is slowly rotting his brain out with Halo Wars, and honestly right now I think Julie is in the bathroom haha. The love of my life is making french toast, and the dog is looking for the cat so he can sniff her butt.

I hope everyone enjoys their Saturday, and I hope everyone finds a reason today to smile.

Clutter Clutter Every Where!!!

Kaylee tried to kill me last night getting up every 2hrs. I wish those teeth would just come through already. Jon and I are both dragging today because of her constant up and down last night. Caffeine is what is keeping me going, and it's barely doing it's job.

The cleaning lady came today. Let me clarify why if I don't work, we need a cleaning lady. For one, she doesn't do everything. Two, with Kaylee and school I don't have time for dusting, vacuuming or mopping. So when she got here today, I had gone through the trouble of cleaning off the flat surfaces such as dressers  and night stands upstairs. I was thinking to myself, if she doesn't show up, she is sooo fired. I put all the laundry away and moved just about everything off the floor. I ended up mopping the downstairs, because I am extremely picky about my home, and she just doesn't get enough of the dog hair to make my eye stop twitching. I may or may not have a small case of OCD, which I don't want to talk about.

The kids are about 5 minutes away from getting off the bus. I normally look forward to them getting home, but I'm so drained today that the afternoon rush has no appeal.  So there will be homework, their free time, supper(which I don't know what we are having), baths and bed, the story of my life?

On a positive note I have a mostly clean and clutter free house. I take the opportunity when the cleaning lady comes to de-clutter areas of the house that have collected all the debris from the latest kidnados. Currently the desk in the kitchen, top of the washer and dryer, and the office are all that are left to be de-cluttered.

So on to my busy evening. I hope you all are having a great day, and that you have a little more energy then I do today.

Another Day.

Another day in our simple, uncomplicated lives. It's nice to not be stressed out all the time, and have everyone in the house on edge.

I feel better today. Still kind of blah, but way less rage :).  I have the best husband, he lets me sleep in whenever he can during the week. In exchange I try and give him one weekend day, he doesn't have to get up. Not many men I know would get up at 6:20am to get the older kids sorted to get on the bus, and deal with the baby when she get's up. I'm a very lucky woman, and I know it.

We have another Moses Family Adventure planned for the last weekend in February. We are spending 2 nights at the Indoor Great Escape Water Park. The kids don't know yet. We want them to be surprised. The older kids the weekend of the 18-20 of February will be with Jon's Dad, and then depending on the situation with my Grandma they may be spending the week with my Mom and Dad. I hope they get the chance to. I know they don't go and see them much, and I know they miss them. For now we wait and see, and hope.

Babies grow too fast. Kaylee is sitting already, and wants sooo bad to crawl. Sometimes I miss the other two being this small, other times(for my sanity) I don't.

I'm taking a parenting class this semester in college and learning a whole lot. Things to do, and things not to when it comes to discipline. It also is going to go into depth on development of the different age groups. Which is good for me since I'm pretty much starting at the very bottom of the ages again.

We are all ready for Spring. The kids don't seem to be tired of the snow YET, but they sure wish we could go for walks again. The man of the house is sick and tired of snow blowing, and well I'd like to get out and get active with baby. That's hard to do in 3ft of snow, if you know what I mean.

Well off to do another day of laundry, cleaning up, baby care and school. Hopefully when baby takes her next nap, I'll find the time to hop in the shower.

Hope everyone has a great day!
~Nikki

Life Frustrations!!

I know that no one follows this, and that's okay with me. Sometimes though there is a need to feel connected with more then just the people in the house you live in. I woke up today feeling fine, but as the day progressed I had this "ugh, blah" feeling creep up on me. Then I drove in down town Burlington and it blossomed into rage. Why can't the general public learn simple driving skills that can keep others safe?

On another topic my 10 year got his glasses today(hence the trip to Burlington). He thinks he looks geeky. I told him he looks educated and handsome. I know there will be someones child at school that will tease him. Either because they are mean, or their parents haven't taught them to behave any differently.

The older two kids are doing well. Julie is still active in ballet, and Tyler just got registered last week for 4 months of soccer. They are reading more, and behaving, for the most part.

The baby will be 6 months next week. It's hard to believe how fast time has gone. She eats solid foods twice a day, and sleeps 10 to 12 hours a night, usually only waking once to eat.

I know I'm lucky. I have 3 beautiful, healthy children, and a loving husband. Some days it feels like something is missing. Now, to be fair there will soon be a death in my family, it's only a matter of when. My Grandma has cancer, and was hospitalized this week for pain control. So everyone knows it won't be long. This is difficult for me. My gram and I haven't always seen eye to eye, but I feel like I've wronged her. We went a period of several years without talking, due to some issues between her and my now ex-husband. I wrestle with the guilt some days more then others. I wonder who is really to blame, me or the asshole that is no longer in my life.

So you may ask what is the purpose for this entry.  To let out a little of what is inside? Maybe it's to pacify the need for outside interaction. It's true some days I feel isolated. I suppose that could be because it's winter, and I have a baby. I then have to ask myself is that an excuse or fact of the matter?

I know I should be thankful. I have things others don't, health, love and happiness. I'm not in and out of the hospital with a sickness, nor do I have a sick child. My heart goes out to those who struggle every day with illness, babies, kids, and people in general. Maybe this is the start of the grieving process. It's really too soon to tell.

~Nikki