It's hard not knowing how they are, or what they are doing. I'm curious why they haven't called, as by now I've usually heard from them. Maybe he is trying to show me how he feels most of the time, or maybe it's something else altogether. Either way, I'm ready for them to be home. I never look forward to the after period, as they go through a rough patch. It is what it is, and that's how it is right now.
I've been finding myself with a little bit of free time lately, only having two classes helps that. I'm hoping for a fun filled summer with all of my babies. Time in the pool, time at the lake, picnics in the yard and camping. Waiting for school to be over, I know it's almost done, but it's not finishing fast enough for me this year. I realized right before the older two left, that Julie is lacking time with just me. So we made a plan to work on something she wanted to do, just her and I every Monday night for at least an hour. Now Tyler and I need to find something to do together. I'm thinking maybe building one of his Kinex things, since he has a few of them that are unbuilt from Christmas.
Other then things being quiet around here right now, life is good. Thursday afternoon Jon will pick up his cousin Mariah in Randolph. Friday her and I will go get our nails done. Saturday I'll go pick up the kids maybe Mariah will go to keep me company on the way there. Saturday night I'll be taking Mariah to a concert at Higher Ground in Burlington and Sunday one of us will take her home. Sunday is also Easter, we picked up the kids baskets, we got the baby a pair of shoes since she can't have the candy. Also that day we will have an Easter egg hunt around the house. We did it for the kids last year and they said they had a blast with it, and wanted to do it again this year. I like when that happens.
Today Murphy goes for his yearly shaving and bath. He gets a bath more then once a year of course, but he only gets a full shaving once a year. We need to find a length for his hair that keeps him warm, but that doesn't get all knotted up. Currently he's so full of knots, his hair is a shameful mess, and to make matters worse he stinks. So hopefully when I pick him up he will smell better and have a lot less hair.
As all babies do Kaylee is changing her schedule again, although thankfully she slept through the night last night again. She is going back and forth between two naps and three a day, but unfortunately this change has changed the time she is waking up in the morning. Let me tell you 5:30am is NOT and acceptable wake up time for a baby. So now comes the challenge of shifting her schedule just enough so she sleeps a little later in the morning.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Monday.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Recent Activity
Well I'm almost done with school. One less then one month left, I can't even begin to explain to everyone how much I'm looking forward to it. This year has been hard for me, mostly because I think I took on more then I could handle. It takes a lot for me to admit that, but I can't deny being overly stressed and overwhelmed most of this semester. That's not really how I like to conduct business usually.
Kaylee has decided to change up her schedule again and has resumed waking in the middle of the night. I think it's because we starting giving her a third solid feeding a day. It could be a growth spurt, it could be teething, since at almost 8 months she still has no teeth. Either way I would like her to resume sleeping through the night again, its only been two days but I'm feeling it already.
Went and had lunch at the school with the older kids today. Pulled Julie into Tyler's lunch period so we could all eat together. I like being able to do stuff with them like that. It only takes a few minutes out of my day, but I know it means a lot to them. As a bonus I didn't have to try and decide what to have for lunch.
Today when the kids get home Julie will get ready for ballet and while she is gone Tyler and I will pack his things to go with his Father. When Julie gets back her and I will pack her things to go. After both kids have finished their homework of course. I'm going to miss them a whole lot, but I hope they have a good time.
Kaylee has decided to change up her schedule again and has resumed waking in the middle of the night. I think it's because we starting giving her a third solid feeding a day. It could be a growth spurt, it could be teething, since at almost 8 months she still has no teeth. Either way I would like her to resume sleeping through the night again, its only been two days but I'm feeling it already.
Went and had lunch at the school with the older kids today. Pulled Julie into Tyler's lunch period so we could all eat together. I like being able to do stuff with them like that. It only takes a few minutes out of my day, but I know it means a lot to them. As a bonus I didn't have to try and decide what to have for lunch.
Today when the kids get home Julie will get ready for ballet and while she is gone Tyler and I will pack his things to go with his Father. When Julie gets back her and I will pack her things to go. After both kids have finished their homework of course. I'm going to miss them a whole lot, but I hope they have a good time.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Updated Ramble.
Yesterday was my husbands 31st birthday. I am usually all ready weeks before with his card and a gift. I did terrible this year. I had to take the kids out shopping when they got home from school yesterday. Talk about poor planning. We then met his Mom at Jeff's Maine Seafood for supper. Once we got home, it was time for the baby to go to bed. We then did his presents (shamefully unwrapped) and then the kids went to bed and then is was crunch time.
I've learned a lot about myself in the last few days. Some things I already knew somethings maybe that have always been there, but went unnoticed or unacknowledged. I hate being late when I go places. I also hate having an assignment be late. This time there was a good reason for me asking for an extension, but I still don't like doing it. I don't like knowing that I'm behind. I take school very seriously and sometimes that causes me additional stress. Last night was one of those times, where I was pushing right up against the time I told my professor the assignment would be turned in.
Today thankful can be a little less stressed. I have a couple things due this weekend, and some participation, but it's not a 10 page assignment, so there shouldn't me much stressed associated with trying to get them done. I have exams for two of my classes next week. I'm thankful that two of my classes are ending, four classes I've decided is too much for me with a baby. I think three a semester will do nicely next year.
With great change comes adjustment. This natural adaptation affects some greater then others, this is directly related to level they were involved with things before they changed. Sometimes change is good. More often then not change is welcomed. Sometimes it's not, it ripples the natural rhythm of our daily lives. Sometimes change causes great sorrow, sometimes for an extended period of time. There are no words that people can say to make it better. No matter how much they say they understand, they don't know exactly how we feel, because our feelings are our own. Everyone deals with emotions in a different way. Some outwardly talk about them. Others when emotionally overwhelmed hide them away until they are ready to deal with them, call it a natural defense mechanism. Most times we can't control if we become emotionally overwhelmed so we protect ourselves by handling only a little of it at a time. We go over everything in our heads, wishing there was something could have done to change the course of events. Time truly the one thing in this life we can't make more of. It's not something we are guaranteed either. Feeling regret doesn't change anything. Do what we can do with the time we have, I have learned that maybe I need to work on my order of priorities. There are choices that I made that I wish I had made differently. I keep telling myself I can't change them now. That all I can do is choose wiser in the future.
What we do today sometimes effects tomorrow, sometimes it doesn't. Some days we change and learn new stuff, some days we don't. I'm thankful for the days we don't. I couldn't image huge changes in my life everyday, I don't think I could handle the stress.
Tomorrow I head to Chester again, all of us. Hopefully I can make the drive this time without crying all the way there. I've been doing ok, keeping to together. I can't change it, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. One day at a time.
I've learned a lot about myself in the last few days. Some things I already knew somethings maybe that have always been there, but went unnoticed or unacknowledged. I hate being late when I go places. I also hate having an assignment be late. This time there was a good reason for me asking for an extension, but I still don't like doing it. I don't like knowing that I'm behind. I take school very seriously and sometimes that causes me additional stress. Last night was one of those times, where I was pushing right up against the time I told my professor the assignment would be turned in.
Today thankful can be a little less stressed. I have a couple things due this weekend, and some participation, but it's not a 10 page assignment, so there shouldn't me much stressed associated with trying to get them done. I have exams for two of my classes next week. I'm thankful that two of my classes are ending, four classes I've decided is too much for me with a baby. I think three a semester will do nicely next year.
With great change comes adjustment. This natural adaptation affects some greater then others, this is directly related to level they were involved with things before they changed. Sometimes change is good. More often then not change is welcomed. Sometimes it's not, it ripples the natural rhythm of our daily lives. Sometimes change causes great sorrow, sometimes for an extended period of time. There are no words that people can say to make it better. No matter how much they say they understand, they don't know exactly how we feel, because our feelings are our own. Everyone deals with emotions in a different way. Some outwardly talk about them. Others when emotionally overwhelmed hide them away until they are ready to deal with them, call it a natural defense mechanism. Most times we can't control if we become emotionally overwhelmed so we protect ourselves by handling only a little of it at a time. We go over everything in our heads, wishing there was something could have done to change the course of events. Time truly the one thing in this life we can't make more of. It's not something we are guaranteed either. Feeling regret doesn't change anything. Do what we can do with the time we have, I have learned that maybe I need to work on my order of priorities. There are choices that I made that I wish I had made differently. I keep telling myself I can't change them now. That all I can do is choose wiser in the future.
What we do today sometimes effects tomorrow, sometimes it doesn't. Some days we change and learn new stuff, some days we don't. I'm thankful for the days we don't. I couldn't image huge changes in my life everyday, I don't think I could handle the stress.
Tomorrow I head to Chester again, all of us. Hopefully I can make the drive this time without crying all the way there. I've been doing ok, keeping to together. I can't change it, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. One day at a time.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Letting out more words, attempting to focus.
I am taking advantage of every distraction today. On top of already being easily swayed from doing stuff I'm supposed to, I find my mind other places then where it needs to be. I'm not saying I've ever really had a strong focus when it comings to doing things I don't really want to do. I have even less focus right now. I feel numb, disconnected and basically out in left field. I want to be able to enjoy the comfort of my family, but I have obligations that are eating up my time. If I could only focus and get it out of the way, I could sit and just be, but I can't seem to give it my full attention.
How do I focus on what I need to get done? How do I clear my mind of regrets and what if's? I know she'd be annoyed if she knew her passing was making it so hard for me to concentrate. I can't let it go, and most of all I can't believe she's gone. My Mom gave me some good advice, get out, go for a walk, it will clear your head. Mom it's raining. So I am resorting to writing, haha if only I could focus all this blogging I'm doing into my Behavioral Science assignment I'd be all set. It'd be done already, or at least started more then a title page.
I don't know what we are eating for supper. I don't know what chapters I'm doing this assignment on. I don't know what articles I'm doing this assignment with. I guess that means I don't know much of anything right now. I can't make up my mind. There is so much to go over in my head. It doesn't help that the last few chapters I had to read dealt with losing a parent, and grieving. That didn't help, it only served to distract me further. So here I am attempting to empty my head in a futile attempt to gain some sort of motivation. Some sort of drive to complete. She was always proud of me going to school. More motivation to finish my degree. That's unfortunately not helping me to finish these assignments that I got extensions on.
I've looked at her pictures. I've talked to her. I've asked her to help me understand why she had to go. I guess it was just her time. That doesn't make it fair, but I hear that life isn't fair. I was on my way home the day she passed. I was listening to music and just driving. The clouds in places looked as though they were brushed and others looked as though they were drawn. The sun was shining and beautiful. There was peace that day, the calm after the storm. There was no peace with in because the storm raged on. I continue to struggle with unanswered questions. Questions I'm learning may forever remain unanswered. I smiled a little on the way home, as I'm picturing my Grandma all healthy on a cloud. She's dressed in white, sitting at a table enjoying a cup of coffee with a cigarette in hand. A smile on her face. I know she doesn't want me to worry about her. I know she is no longer in pain. Her battle is over. Now for the rest of us to carry on.
How do I focus on what I need to get done? How do I clear my mind of regrets and what if's? I know she'd be annoyed if she knew her passing was making it so hard for me to concentrate. I can't let it go, and most of all I can't believe she's gone. My Mom gave me some good advice, get out, go for a walk, it will clear your head. Mom it's raining. So I am resorting to writing, haha if only I could focus all this blogging I'm doing into my Behavioral Science assignment I'd be all set. It'd be done already, or at least started more then a title page.
I don't know what we are eating for supper. I don't know what chapters I'm doing this assignment on. I don't know what articles I'm doing this assignment with. I guess that means I don't know much of anything right now. I can't make up my mind. There is so much to go over in my head. It doesn't help that the last few chapters I had to read dealt with losing a parent, and grieving. That didn't help, it only served to distract me further. So here I am attempting to empty my head in a futile attempt to gain some sort of motivation. Some sort of drive to complete. She was always proud of me going to school. More motivation to finish my degree. That's unfortunately not helping me to finish these assignments that I got extensions on.
I've looked at her pictures. I've talked to her. I've asked her to help me understand why she had to go. I guess it was just her time. That doesn't make it fair, but I hear that life isn't fair. I was on my way home the day she passed. I was listening to music and just driving. The clouds in places looked as though they were brushed and others looked as though they were drawn. The sun was shining and beautiful. There was peace that day, the calm after the storm. There was no peace with in because the storm raged on. I continue to struggle with unanswered questions. Questions I'm learning may forever remain unanswered. I smiled a little on the way home, as I'm picturing my Grandma all healthy on a cloud. She's dressed in white, sitting at a table enjoying a cup of coffee with a cigarette in hand. A smile on her face. I know she doesn't want me to worry about her. I know she is no longer in pain. Her battle is over. Now for the rest of us to carry on.
Still Struggling.
I didn't make it while she was still alive, but I did get to say goodbye, which helped a little. We are never ready to say goodbye to ones we love, but sometimes they are ready to go. Having fought this disease for so long, and having decided to give up treatment. She was ready. She had made peace with the fact she was on her way out of this world. Sadly none of us were ready for her to go, but we were ready to see her suffering be over.
I think the least helpful thing that people have been saying, "at least she isn't suffering anymore.". While I know this is true, that statement doesn't ease the pain. I'm glad she is no longer suffering, but I wish she were alive and healthy. There are at least half a dozen people I would have traded for her. Here God take this one, leave her here. It's always the good ones that go. Which just makes our life journey here more difficult. I would say I've made peace with having to eventually say goodbye to most everyone I love, but that would be a lie.
Death is such a hard thing, because it makes us think about what comes after this. Scientifically speaking, there is not much proof of anything after this life. That is the hardest part, thinking that our loved ones are just gone. That once they are no longer here in body, they don't exist anymore. Believing anything else is usually a form of religion that has to be taken on faith. I struggle with what I believe. I would love to believe that the ones I love that are lost become angels, or spirits. That they come and visit us to comfort and show they are still around.
Today my thoughts go out to my Mom and my Aunt, as they take on the task of making all the calls.
I know it hurts for me, I can't imagine what they are going through.
I think the least helpful thing that people have been saying, "at least she isn't suffering anymore.". While I know this is true, that statement doesn't ease the pain. I'm glad she is no longer suffering, but I wish she were alive and healthy. There are at least half a dozen people I would have traded for her. Here God take this one, leave her here. It's always the good ones that go. Which just makes our life journey here more difficult. I would say I've made peace with having to eventually say goodbye to most everyone I love, but that would be a lie.
Death is such a hard thing, because it makes us think about what comes after this. Scientifically speaking, there is not much proof of anything after this life. That is the hardest part, thinking that our loved ones are just gone. That once they are no longer here in body, they don't exist anymore. Believing anything else is usually a form of religion that has to be taken on faith. I struggle with what I believe. I would love to believe that the ones I love that are lost become angels, or spirits. That they come and visit us to comfort and show they are still around.
Today my thoughts go out to my Mom and my Aunt, as they take on the task of making all the calls.
I know it hurts for me, I can't imagine what they are going through.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Tomorrow... I go. =(
I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be one of the hardest days of my life. I'm not even sure if there is anything I can do to prepare myself. I anticipate falling apart and crying, beyond that I'm not sure what to expect from myself. This is new for me, and I have to say this is part of life I've come to loath. I can't concentrate, it's all I think about. So I've decided to move my trip to tomorrow. There is nothing more important to me then my family.
I've decided that not knowing and not being there is the worst part of all this. That I hear they are waiting for someone to come pray with them. In honor of my Grandma I changed my Facebook profile picture to the breast cancer ribbon. I was reading last night and realized I knew very little about Cancer. It's hard to understand what is happening in the body of a loved one, if we don't fully understand what the disease is. With the statistics of the disease my Grandma has, she has beat the odds, even before she decided she was done with treatment. It just reconfirmed something I already knew. She's a fighter, and always has been. When they told her she had Cancer, she kept on, head held high with the confidence that she was going to beat this thing. In her way she did. She lived longer then the statistics said she should have. She was even in remission at one point. I will never forget her smile, and her laugh. How she reheated her coffee in the microwave over and over. How she worked so hard everyday for everything in her life.
So how am I supposed to concentrate now. How am I supposed to focus with this lump in my throat. Crying hasn't fixed it. I don't see tomorrow being any easier, but I have to and want to go.
I told the kids that the time had come, that their Great Grammy was passing on soon. Both kids had questions varying in different degrees. I guess age has something to do with that. I answered their questions the best I could. Julie drew pictures of flowers for Great Grammy, their Grammy (my Mom), and her Great Aunt (my Aunt) which I thought was sooo sweet.
I was reading on the couch today for my writing assignment and my calendar went off reminding me that in a half an hour I had a nail appointment. So I ran around with my head cut off for fifteen minutes trying to get ready to go. I have the pink Breast Cancer ribbon on each nail. Thank you Kristi Bessette, you did a fantastic job.
Part of the reason for my difficulty in concentrating on my school is the name of one of my assignments. It's a Life Span Scrap Book for my Behavioral Science class. When I start to focus on starting the assignment, all I can think about is my Grandma's life. This is something I'm going to have to get past, if I'm ever going to get this assignment done.
I want to thank all of you for reading my rants. This blog is a healthy outlet for me. A way to voice my thoughts and feelings with people other then those that live with me.
I've decided that not knowing and not being there is the worst part of all this. That I hear they are waiting for someone to come pray with them. In honor of my Grandma I changed my Facebook profile picture to the breast cancer ribbon. I was reading last night and realized I knew very little about Cancer. It's hard to understand what is happening in the body of a loved one, if we don't fully understand what the disease is. With the statistics of the disease my Grandma has, she has beat the odds, even before she decided she was done with treatment. It just reconfirmed something I already knew. She's a fighter, and always has been. When they told her she had Cancer, she kept on, head held high with the confidence that she was going to beat this thing. In her way she did. She lived longer then the statistics said she should have. She was even in remission at one point. I will never forget her smile, and her laugh. How she reheated her coffee in the microwave over and over. How she worked so hard everyday for everything in her life.
So how am I supposed to concentrate now. How am I supposed to focus with this lump in my throat. Crying hasn't fixed it. I don't see tomorrow being any easier, but I have to and want to go.
I told the kids that the time had come, that their Great Grammy was passing on soon. Both kids had questions varying in different degrees. I guess age has something to do with that. I answered their questions the best I could. Julie drew pictures of flowers for Great Grammy, their Grammy (my Mom), and her Great Aunt (my Aunt) which I thought was sooo sweet.
I was reading on the couch today for my writing assignment and my calendar went off reminding me that in a half an hour I had a nail appointment. So I ran around with my head cut off for fifteen minutes trying to get ready to go. I have the pink Breast Cancer ribbon on each nail. Thank you Kristi Bessette, you did a fantastic job.
Part of the reason for my difficulty in concentrating on my school is the name of one of my assignments. It's a Life Span Scrap Book for my Behavioral Science class. When I start to focus on starting the assignment, all I can think about is my Grandma's life. This is something I'm going to have to get past, if I'm ever going to get this assignment done.
I want to thank all of you for reading my rants. This blog is a healthy outlet for me. A way to voice my thoughts and feelings with people other then those that live with me.
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