Letting out more words, attempting to focus.

I am taking advantage of every distraction today. On top of already being easily swayed from doing stuff I'm supposed to, I find my mind other places then where it needs to be. I'm not saying I've ever really had a strong focus when it comings to doing things I don't really want to do. I have even less focus right now. I feel numb, disconnected and basically out in left field. I want to be able to enjoy the comfort of my family, but I have obligations that are eating up my time. If I could only focus and get it out of the way, I could sit and just be, but I can't seem to give it my full attention.

How do I focus on what I need to get done? How do I clear my mind of regrets and what if's? I know she'd be annoyed if she knew her passing was making it so hard for me to concentrate. I can't let it go, and most of all I can't believe she's gone. My Mom gave me some good advice, get out, go for a walk, it will clear your head. Mom it's raining. So I am resorting to writing, haha if only I could focus all this blogging I'm doing into my Behavioral Science assignment I'd be all set. It'd be done already, or at least started more then a title page.

I don't know what we are eating for supper. I don't know what chapters I'm doing this assignment on. I don't know what articles I'm doing this assignment with. I guess that means I don't know much of anything right now. I can't make up my mind. There is so much to go over in my head. It doesn't help that the last few chapters I had to read dealt with losing a parent, and grieving. That didn't help, it only served to distract me further. So here I am attempting to empty my head in a futile attempt to gain some sort of motivation. Some sort of drive to complete. She was always proud of me going to school. More motivation to finish my degree. That's unfortunately not helping me to finish these assignments that I got extensions on.

I've looked at her pictures. I've talked to her. I've asked her to help me understand why she had to go. I guess it was just her time. That doesn't make it fair, but I hear that life isn't fair. I was on my way home the day she passed. I was listening to music and just driving. The clouds in places looked as though they were brushed and others looked as though they were drawn. The sun was shining and beautiful. There was peace that day, the calm after the storm. There was no peace with in because the storm raged on. I continue to struggle with unanswered questions. Questions I'm learning may forever remain unanswered. I smiled a little on the way home, as I'm picturing my Grandma all healthy on a cloud. She's dressed in white, sitting at a table enjoying a cup of coffee with a cigarette in hand. A smile on her face. I know she doesn't want me to worry about her. I know she is no longer in pain. Her battle is over.  Now for the rest of us to carry on.