Tomorrow... I go. =(

I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be one of the hardest days of my life. I'm not even sure if there is anything I can do to prepare myself. I anticipate falling apart and crying, beyond that I'm not sure what to expect from myself. This is new for me, and I have to say this is part of life I've come to loath.  I can't concentrate, it's all I think about. So I've decided to move my trip to tomorrow. There is nothing more important to me then my family.


I've decided that not knowing and not being there is the worst part of all this. That I hear they are waiting for someone to come pray with them. In honor of my Grandma I changed my Facebook profile picture to the breast cancer ribbon. I was reading last night and realized I knew very little about Cancer. It's hard to understand what is happening in the body of a loved one, if we don't fully understand what the disease is. With the statistics of the disease my Grandma has, she has beat the odds, even before she decided she was done with treatment. It just reconfirmed something I already knew. She's a fighter, and always has been. When they told her she had Cancer, she kept on, head held high with the confidence that she was going to beat this thing. In her way she did. She lived longer then the statistics said she should have. She was even in remission at one point. I will never forget her smile, and her laugh. How she reheated her coffee in the microwave over and over. How she worked so hard everyday for everything in her life. 


So how am I supposed to concentrate now. How am I supposed to focus with this lump in my throat. Crying hasn't fixed it. I don't see tomorrow being any easier, but I have to and want to go. 


I told the kids that the time had come, that their Great Grammy was passing on soon. Both kids had questions varying in different degrees. I guess age has something to do with that. I answered their questions the best I could. Julie drew pictures of flowers for Great Grammy, their Grammy (my Mom), and her Great Aunt (my Aunt) which I thought was sooo sweet. 


I was reading on the couch today for my writing assignment and my calendar went off reminding me that in a half an hour I had a nail appointment. So I ran around with my head cut off for fifteen minutes trying to get ready to go. I have the pink Breast Cancer ribbon on each nail. Thank you Kristi Bessette, you did a fantastic job. 


Part of the reason for my difficulty in concentrating on my school is the name of one of my assignments.  It's a Life Span Scrap Book for my Behavioral Science class. When I start to focus on starting the assignment, all I can think about is my Grandma's life. This is something I'm going to have to get past, if I'm ever going to get this assignment done. 


I want to thank all of you for reading my rants. This blog is a healthy outlet for me. A way to voice my thoughts and feelings with people other then those that live with me.