=( *Edited*

Do you ever feel like the carrot is always out of reach? That whenever you think you've caught a break, you realize it's another obstacle standing in your way? That there is a ceiling between where you are and where you want to be, that you just can't get past. I think we all have days where we feel like that. Like no matter what we do we are still stuck, in the same place or town away from where we need to be.

Getting a break means fighting hard. Harder maybe then you've ever fought before. It's making a change or accepting one that was given to you. My Grandma worked hard every day to make a living, even when she was going through treatment. I went up and helped her, so she wouldn't work quite so hard. I went up and stayed with her when I was in school and she felt so awful she wanted someone there at night incase something happened. My Mom works just as hard every day, to make a living. She helps everyone near and dear to her, if she can, and rarely takes time for herself. Once she finally does get time she's doing stuff around the house, or collapsing in exhaustion. My Mom has fought, and won so far to date her life's biggest battle. My Grandma fought and fought, till she decided she didn't want to fight anymore. She waits for peace as she continues to struggle with a battle she knows she's losing. Anxiously waiting to leave this world.

I realized after writing this, I left someone out. My Aunt Shelley, she's worked hard over the last 2 years taking care of my Grandma every day. Watching her struggles, feeling her pain, something that isn't easy. This is something that no one can even begin to understand unless they have gone through it every single day. Now she struggles with pain and anger as she soon has to say goodbye to her Mom. I can't even imagine what this is like. My hats off to her for how strong she has been through this long and hard journey.

This experience has been hard on everyone involved, but mostly because we haven't been able to fix it. It's hard not being able to be there every day, but it's hard also being there every day.

How do you deal with knowing you may not wake up when you go to sleep? How do you say goodbye when you don't want to?

I think this week has been the most difficult as far as concentration is concerned. I can't seem to focus long enough to get anything done.