Still Struggling.

I didn't make it while she was still alive, but I did get to say goodbye, which helped a little. We are never ready to say goodbye to ones we love, but sometimes they are ready to go. Having fought this disease for so long, and having decided to give up treatment. She was ready. She had made peace with the fact she was on her way out of this world. Sadly none of us were ready for her to go, but we were ready to see her suffering be over.

I think the least helpful thing that people have been saying, "at least she isn't suffering anymore.". While I know this is true, that statement doesn't ease the pain. I'm glad she is no longer suffering, but I wish she were alive and healthy. There are at least half a dozen people I would have traded for her. Here God take this one, leave her here. It's always the good ones that go. Which just makes our life journey here more difficult. I would say I've made peace with having to eventually say goodbye to most everyone I love, but that would be a lie.

Death is such a hard thing, because it makes us think about what comes after this. Scientifically speaking, there is not much proof of anything after this life. That is the hardest part, thinking that our loved ones are just gone. That once they are no longer here in body, they don't exist anymore. Believing anything else is usually a form of religion that has to be taken on faith. I struggle with what I believe. I would love to believe that the ones I love that are lost become angels, or spirits. That they come and visit us to comfort and show they are still around.

Today my thoughts go out to my Mom and my Aunt, as they take on the task of making all the calls.

I know it hurts for me, I can't imagine what they are going through.